Uh, kids, you want this? Okay! Let’s do an preview of The Footballs League. It is the most imporpotant thing in the world, so people from around the world and also the Moon watch da niffle. So hurrrrrr.
*takes brain medicine*
I picked the game the NFL has already deemed as the “best game” from each week. Because I’m not good at judging quality.
WEEK 1: RAVENS AT BRONCOS
There was a bit of kerfluffle in Baltimore over this game not being in Baltimore, because the NFL always wants to have the Super Bowl champion from last year open the year at home. You see, the Orioles already had a game scheduled against the White Sox in their park, which shares a parking lot with the Ravens’ stadium. So instead, the Ray Lewisless Ravens will open their season on the road against lovable Southern goob Peyton Manning and his newest weapon, Wes “ley Crusher” Welker (more on him later). This game will be a tapestry of excellence, and it probably will have lots of Joe Flacco passes. Watchability score: 8
WEEK 2: BRONCOS AT GIANTS
You know that Peyton Manning? He has a brother. His name is Eli (like that movie. Wait, that was the book of Eli. The movie was My Name is Earl. No wait, that was the TV show. Or was it My Name is Jonas? Wait no, that’s the band with the brothers. No wait, that’s Band of Brothers. Wait no, that was a song by Weezer. No wait, that’s Weezy Jefferson. no wait, that’s Jefferson Starship. No wait, that’s Starship Galactica. No wait, that’s BATTLESHIP Galactica. No wait, that’s Battleship. The movie. Based on the board game. That’s what I was reaching for!). They’re brothers and they play quarterback and sometimes they play each other. Watchability score: 12, 14 if stoned
WEEK 3: CHIEFS AT EAGLES
Andy Reid was the head coach of the Eagles. But then, something happened that ROCKED HIS WORLD: *record scratch* HE GOT FIRED. *cue “I Feel Good”* Now he’s the head coach of the Chiefs, and he has to face his old team! Luckily for him, his new team is composed entirely of third graders! Can Andy Reid coach up his team to take on the evil Michael Vick? Wait, is Michael Vick even going to be playing this year? Is he still in prison? Who really cares? Watchability grade: C- (because the Chiefs really are third graders)
WEEK 4: STEELERS AT VIKINGS
This is the annual contest held in London, and with it Roger Goodell will tell the London faithful that he wants to expand the league to London because he thinks it’s hilarious that one team has to travel thousands of miles more than the other 31 or so teams in the US. But hey, Roger Goodell has invented going faster than the speed of light because he’s God or something. Watchability rating: three and a half footballs (out of 6)
WEEK 5: SAINTS AT BEARS
Both of these dudes used to go to Purdue: Saints quarterback Drew Brees and Bears quarterback Kyle Ort— *crumples up sheet of paper* The Saints’ offensive coordinator is now the Bears’ offensive coordinator because he was kicked off the team because of the bounty scandal. Wait, that’s not right. *crumples up sheet of paper* I’m typing this on a computer. Why am I also writing something on paper? *crumples up sheet of paper* Uh, this game isn’t really that interesting. Two sketchy quarterbacks and some stout defenses. We hope. Watchability verdict on count 1 (aggravated murder): three thumbs up (out of 11)
WEEK 6: REDSKINS AT COWBOYS
Although Griffin says he’s close, he also admitted that he really has no idea when he’ll return: “I just know that I’m close, and I’m taking every day seriously… it could be tomorrow, and I could feel like I could play the next game. Nobody knows but God.” The 2012 AP Offensive Rookie of the Year continues to participate in quarterbacking drills and said he’s made improvement, but his knee is not yet what it was before tearing his ACL and LCL in his right knee in the first round of last season’s playoffs. Adidas rating: 3 stripes
WEEK 7: BRONCOS AT COLTS
Peyton Manning brings his Mastercard commercials and two million free pizzas to the house he used to own but is now occupied by Andrew Luck, noted architect. Both guys will quarterback the heck out of their respective teams, and you’ll probably hear about 3,000 stories about JUST HOW THE INDY CROWD WILL REACT to their prodigal son returning, in exact words said by every person in the crowd and decibel level. Rick Reilly just had a nosebleed. Awesome rating: 20% more
WEEK 8: PACKERS AT VIKINGS
America will be watching as one of the league’s most beloved players makes his debut with a new team. Brian Urlacher is a multiple-time Pro Bowler, and his Vikings debut will be one of the most anticipated events on the NFL calendar. Will he out-sack his old nemesis, Clay Matthews? He knows the fans— whom he cares about very much— will want to know. Jenny McCarthy’s interest level: .3
WEEK 9: TITANS AT RAMS
"So let me get one thing straight here. We have a pro football team now, but they’re in Nashville?"
"Em… yeah. Oh my god! Okay, they used to be in Houston. First, they were the Oilers, but now they’re the Titans."
"Houston Oilers are the Tennessee Titans."
"Yeah, and that’s not all. They went to the Super Bowl last year."
"Well, I missed that."
"I nearly died! It was so exciting. They almost won by one yard. One lousy yard right at the end."
"Wow. Went to the Super Bowl."
"Oh, and also, 13 years from now, they’ll play another game against the Rams. That’s who won the Super Bowl. Only this time, uh, the Titans’ coach is the Rams’ coach."
"In a Super Bowl?"
"Uh, no. Regular season game."
"Wait, why is this important? And why do you know what happens 13 years from now?"
"Because that is the date of your death, Chuck." Director’s cut runtime: 172 min.
WEEK 10: PANTHERS AT 49ERS
The Panthers’ quarterback is Cam Newton, who is known for running a lot. The 49ers’ quarterback is Colin Kaepernick, who is known for running a lot. So in this game, I predict a lot of running. Perhaps we’ll see Cam Newton and Colin Kaepernick run in opposite directions until they both run around the world and then finally collide AND OH GOD THE WORLD ENDS but it can’t because there needs to be more NFL football next week! And we can’t have the world ending, now can’t we?! Pitchfork rating: 6.8
WEEK 11: PACKERS AT GIANTS
This game really has no storyline other than both of these teams are pretty good. Aaron Rodgers is good at this football thing and so is Eli Manning. Both teams have dedicated fanbases. And this game will take place in MetLife Stadium, the stadium that hosts this year’s Super Bowl. It’s a fabulous stadium that holds over 80,000 people. That’s more people than some cities! Watchability credit score: find out by clicking here!
WEEK 12: BRONCOS AT PATRIOTS
The aforementioned Wes Welker was Tom Brady’s favorite target last year. But not so fast, Tom Brady! The Patriots didn’t want Welker anymore, so they threw him in the dumpster. And who was dumpster diving in Foxborough, Mass. on that cold winter night? None other than Broncos president John Elway, looking for a wide receiver for his pal Peyton Manning. It was a Christmas miracle, and nobody said anything about John Elway reeking of garbage. Non-sequitur words: Number, or maybe some funny word replacing a number
WEEK 13: STEELERS AT RAVENS
It’s Turkey Day (get it?!) and the NFL decided to make good with the Ravens for not giving them Week 1 at home by giving them the big Thanksgiving night game. These two teams have really powerful defenses, so we’re predicting about 25 bodies will be pounded into a singularity that will turn into a black hole that will consume the slowest players. So speed up, slow players! Watchability rating: who cares, you’re zonked out on turkey and wine and will watch anything at this point
WEEK 14: SEAHAWKS AT 49ERS
It’s the Battle of the Crazy Persons as certifiable crazy person Pete Carroll leads Russell Wilson and the Seattle Seahawks into San Francisco to take on certifiable crazy person Jim Harbaugh and the 49ers! Watch these guys yell, pout and otherwise make bizarre, GIFable faces into your heart this winter! Watchability index: high. Wear sunscreen.
WEEK 15: PACKERS AT COWBOYS
Faaaaarrrrrrtttttttt. Watchability rating: Tony Romo
WEEK 16: FALCONS AT 49ERS
A rematch of last year’s NFC title game. We all know how that one ended, with the Niners going to the Super Bowl where the power went out and nobody won, or maybe it ended in a tie. But anyway. Matt Ryan wants revenge on Colin Kaepernick, who hasn’t stopped running since the Carolina game. Also, I just realized I could have used Full House as a 49ers picture, and we’re all out of Niners games. Oh well. Watchability rating: 20X6
WEEK 17: PACKERS AT BEARS
You know what? Forget Bears vs. Packers. This is Marc Trestman vs. his evil past. Will the Bears make the playoffs? And if not, will Chicago sports radio collapse under the pressure of the FIRE MARC TRESTMAN calls the next day? Of course it will. Sleep tight, Chicago. This is the season you’ve been dealt. Watchability rating: the song of the demons of the end times